conditioned response

around scarlet's birthday, she learned to associate the camera with bright lights. the conditioned response shown here manifests itself prior to taking a single picture. i hope it doesn't last too long! love those piggies!

after five years...

-i still miss my baby. every. day.
-every now and then it still hits me hard out of nowhere.
-the missing brings me to tears occasionally, but the daily tears are long gone.
-in my mind, she is a five year old with big brown eyes.
-at least once a week i look at asher and scarlet and wish she were here.
-her chair is the most noticeably empty at church.
-i cringe every time someone fails to acknowledge her as one of my children.
-i smile when someone speaks her name or asks about her or lets me ramble on about her.
-i love the visual reminder sophia is of what she would be like at this age and what she might be interested in.
-i have come to accept that will is the only person who still shares my grief.
-a piece of my heart is missing.
-i feel homesick for her sometimes. (like now)
-i know this is how it will always be, and that is okay.
-i have come to peace with most of the details that used to haunt me.
-she is usually not the first thing on my mind each morning, but i think of her often each day.
-i know i will have her again.
-i thank god for the savior who made that possible.
-i am five years closer to seeing her again :)

happy first birthday scarlet!

scarlet turned one on february 11th. in an attempt to spread out the girl's parties, we had her party on valentines day, very fitting for our little sweetheart.


love her face in this one:

the stroller from grandma kathleen was a big hit.

that flash is just TOO bright!

happy birthday to addi!

addi would have been FIVE this year. so crazy to think of that. overall we had a good day and were glad for friends and family who celebrated with us. i made her cupcakes and balloons bright colors this year... no baby-ish pink stuff for our big 5 year old!